So it is the end of my first week in my new role, at my new company, in a new area as a part of my new life. All things considered, it has been a terrifically successful week! I may have only had a couple of winks sleep last night as Dot decided to morph into what can only be described as a demon, so am currently running off copious amount of Earl Grey tea and the promise of delicious leftovers tonight, but I am in a pretty good mood.
Nothing really of note has happened in the past seventy-two hours-ish. I went on my first pre-work morning walk the other day and even though I have lived in the same area for almost thirty years now, apparently the shadow of the morning not-yet-broken really throws me off. I turned down a street that I have never been down before and only realised when I got to the end of it that I wasn’t where I was meant to be. It, of course, was a No Through Road. It didn’t even occur to me when I had the thought, “Gee, don’t these houses look different when it isn’t sunny?!” to really take in my bearings and turn around.
This is my headspace right now.
Home is feeling very different these days. A lot of that has to do with my new schedule; especially this week where I have been getting used to preparing meals and running around, home has felt like not much more than a pit-stop. A cosy pit-stop, but a pit-stop nonetheless. I know that with time, and as I hone my meal-prep/exercise/housekeeping skills to suit my new life, I will settle comfortably into a new and lovely routine. I won’t feel like I am constantly chasing my tail, or just getting by. I am confident in that – and actually, for now, it has been really interesting seeing how I have handled the transition. Where I would normally be completely and utterly freaking out about the sea of brake lights that I am met with every night, I am completely calm. Where I would normally be having a breakdown because I haven’t had dinner ready and eaten by 6pm, I am still taking my time to prepare meals that I love and that love me back, that are generally being consumed past 7pm.
Man did a super cute thing and bought some workout equipment over and put it in my garage so that on the nights that he arrives home earlier than me – every night – he can busy himself by sculpting his already delightful body. Point being, we are both finding our way through this – still – and adapting.
The one thing that I have had to really make peace with is the reality that not being on my feet for ten hours a day will, obviously, have an effect on my body. Though I am eating far, far less than I did when I worked at the café, most of my day is spent sitting in front of the computer screen I am at right now. I already feel a bit more sluggish, a bit more blergh, a bit more fat, a bit more gross – though I am sure, in reality, nothing has changed with me physically.
Something did dawn on me this morning on my drive to work that I wasn’t expecting.
Yes, working at the café is what has kept me at a steady weight (and yes, quite slim) for years now. More than that though, I think it has been the stress of working there – and everything else that comes with it for me on a personal level – that has seen my weight continue to plummet. Friends and customers alike ask me, “Oh my God, you look SOOOOOO good. WHAT is your secret?”
Emotional turmoil and crippling exhaustion. That’s the secret, Karen. Enjoy your fucking extra hot decaf skim latte, let me know how that goes for you.
So yeah, although I may or may not (probably not) have already gained that little bit of extra weight since starting this new job –who the fuck cares? I am quite possibly the healthiest and happiest I have been in a long time, both mentally and physically (besides the period of excess drinking recently, which right now, I sorely miss). I am eating good food, I am doing more conscious exercising than I have ever and I am not anxious/worried/scared/depressed/sad/concerned about anything, really.
What now, then? I hear you ask.
Well, I am going to finish up my last day of my first week here, sit in the Friday traffic listening to old school Will Smith songs, go to the shops and buy some tuna for demon-Dot and some eggs, have the world’s hottest shower, eat all of the leftover pasta I can stomach and bake some biscuits and some meringue (there is this fucking sick new cook book about to be released and there is an recipe for aquafaba almond meringues and I am getting on it). And I am going to fucking enjoy it.