Ladies and gentlemen, we have a due date. Man and I expect the arrival of our tiny human on February 8, 2019. Because really, both of our families didn’t have quite enough birthdays in February already.
I am born on the 11th of February, as is Man’s brother. My brother is born on the 15th. My mum is born on the 22nd. Man’s mum is born on the 27th. As well as cousins and uncles and friends of mine whose birthdays are also scattered through the month.
The scan went amazingly if you take away the desperate pain I was in from having a full bladder and having the ultrasound wand device thing pressing deep into my stomach/bladder/uterus/soul. We were told that our little bub has a very strong heartbeat, is a great size already and is exceedingly happy and healthy. She zoomed in on bub (who is not much except a brain and bum – and really, that is pretty much all I am too) and we were able to see its heartbeat. And then we heard it. It was all kinds of overwhelming and wonderful and life-changing and amazing. Knowing that that whirring little heart is pumping inside of me is a feeling that I find it hard to put words to.
Baby brain has been in full swing today – starting with me leaving my phone at home, driving part of the way to work and then returning to retrieve my phone. I also pitched some interviews naming days whose dates did not correspond correctly with the calendar. Nausea is also in full swing today (all day) which has been an unpleasant companion. There is this constant bubble in my throat just waiting, biding its time until that one smell, or one thought of the wrong food will bring it right up and out. There is also a bit of a bug going around, so there is the possibility that I am infected as I feel generally unwell today.
What has also been a very unexpected change in me is my mental state. I am not saying that I am crazy or anything like that, it is more that I am feeling a lot of doubt. Interestingly though, I am not doubting myself as a mother or anything to do with the pregnancy, it is more about Man. While I am putting on weight and being tired and feeling generally less ‘Leah’, I find myself thinking, “I don’t deserve Man,” which I know, is ridiculous. If there is any time in life to feel weird and obscure, it is when you are pregnant. It is me who is feeling uncomfortable and weird and totally foreign in my own body, so my brain is doing what it does best: latching onto anything good and wonderful in my world and creating issues where there aren’t any. It is passing the blame. Stupid brain.
What has helped though, is instead of indulging in the worry, I have approached Man with them straight away. I sent him a message today that said, “Hey – I know this totally isn’t warranted, but can you just indulge me one last time? Everything is okay, right? Nothing has changed between us? It is just me feeling a bit off, and I won’t ask again. My head is just being weird and the moment and it is time that it stopped being weird.” And he responded lovingly and assured me that, of course, everything is okay. So I am making a conscious decision to cease all unnecessary worrying as of… NOW.
Food update today: