So – today marks the first day of feeling very, very okay! Better than okay, actually! I am officially eight weeks pregnant today. Bub is the size of a raspberry and weighs about the same as your average jellybean (fun fact, the family have all decided that Bub’s nickname is Jellybean, so that’s fitting). I don’t know if bub is aware that it is eight weeks old, however surely it can’t be just coincidence that I am feeling dandy today?!
If I was to go off how I was feeling last night, I would not have expected such bloody glee today throughout my mind and my body. I had really bad indigestion, had to lie on the electric blanket and have a heat pack on my front, my sleep was interrupted by hideous nightmares that I kept falling back into and my cat woke me up this morning by scratching the palm of my hand so deeply that it bled.
Right? Not great.
BUT NOPE! Bub and I are a team and Friday is where it’s at people.
Food consumption today, as of 1.45pm:
By all accounts I should be face down on the floor, beneath my desk, BUT NO. I AM SPRITELY AND ALIVE. I also had such an urge to not only announce, but DECLARE that I am pregnant to my colleagues today I feel so good. Luckily, baby brain let me have this one and I was able to stop and pause, and really think about that before ruining my career. Speaking of baby brain.. last night, I was about to go to sleep when I decided to heat my heat pack up again. I walked to the kitchen and proceeded to place said heat pack in the fridge, stood there, and waited.
I was so confused. There I was, standing in the kitchen with absolutely no idea what I was doing there, all the while waiting patiently for my heat pack to heat up in the fridge.
Bub and I eventually located the microwave.
What I am really trying to get across is that I FEEL GOOD! I feel like I am standing in the light at the end of the first eight week tunnel. I know that there is still four weeks left of my first trimester, however with our Thailand trip fast approaching, I am hoping that this trend of good-feels will continue. I may not be able to party or drink or stay up as late as I would have done if I weren’t pregnant, but at least I will be able to eat, and dance and have energy to spend days swimming and exploring. And you know what? I wouldn’t change the timing of this for the absolute world.
The last month has been difficult and at times I have thought, “I don’t think I can do this.” My head has been in the toilet, my neck has felt broken in thirty-seven different places and I have been so tired that I wouldn’t have been surprised if I was pronounced legally dead – but I feel so lucky to be carrying our child. I feel so lucky that my body is strong enough to grow and change and adapt to the tiny raspberry-sized human inside of me. I feel really fucking happy.
What this pregnancy has also done – and I only realised this today – is put a lot of things in perspective for me. There is so much in my past that I feel guilt around, so many mistakes that I wish I could erase from my thoughts and memories, but none of it seems to matter anymore because I am moving forward. With each new days that this baby grows, I (we) are moving further into the future – our future. I heard, last night, that there has been a lot of very cruel things said about me. These things have been said to my family and those closest to me. Even a few short months ago, knowledge of these awful words and threatening remarks would have sent me really funny; I would not be able to sleep, I would want to try and fix or change their opinion of me, I would seek affirmations from other people around me as if to counteract the nasty comments made.
Instead, this morning I took myself (and bub) for a walk and thought through it bit by bit. I thought of everything that has transpired in the last six months. I thought of the people I have around me now. I thought of how different I am from back then, thought of how much I have grown, and learned, and realised. I put my hand on my stomach, messaged one of my girlfriends, took some deep breaths and just walked. And everything seemed to settle. Those comments and thoughts that others have of me didn’t seem to matter in the slightest bit.
Man always tells me, “We’re moving forward.”
And we are, individually, as a couple, as a family, in every way. We are moving forward.
I am also growing outward. But that’s okay because it has to do with us moving forward.
You see what I am getting at.